Humour
One man and his dog - submitted by Liz Threadgold
A prawn
A Rabbit
A radio Conversation - submitted by Charles Bradley
Songs of Praise
A Bear - from Liz Threadgold
Adam goes for cheap option - from Barry Hillier
The Preacher Man - from Barry Hillier
One man and his dog - submitted by Liz Threadgold
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead! He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." Back to top
A prawn
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally, one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin did not realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day, he sees the mysterious cod again and cannot believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed" .........Wait for it! (Scroll down...)
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"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!" Back to top
A Rabbit
rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".
The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman,"what from?"
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
"Mixing-me-toasties". Back to top
A radio Conversation - submitted by Charles Bradley
This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA; THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET! WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call Back to top
Songs of Praise
A minister decided to do somethinga little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church,
I am going to say a single word
and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out,
"CROSS "
Immediately, the congregation
started singing in unison,
"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out,
"GRACE "
The congregation began to sing,
"AMAZING GRACE,
how sweet the sound."
The pastor said,
"POWER "
The congregation sang,
"THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said,
"SEX "
The congregation fell in total silence.
Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around
at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then, all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old
grandmother stood up and began to sing,
"PRECIOUS MEMORIES" Back to top
A Bear - from Liz Threadgold
A man was walking through the woods one day when all at once a huge brown bear appeared and began to chase him. the man ran and ran but he could not out run the bear and at last he stumbled and fell. The bear was about to kill him when the man shouted out "Oh God- help me!". This wouldn't have been a bad thing except the man was a life long atheist who had constantly pooh poohed the idea of a greater being.Suddenly, time stood still and the scene was frozen. A voice issued from the heavens; " Why should I help you now? You have never beleived in me."
The man reasoned with God. " fair enough; I suppose its a bit late for me to become a chrisitan now. But I've got an idea; why don't you make the bear a Christian instead and then he won't want to kill me."
God's voice spoke once again. "Very well, let it be so."
Time returned back to normal, there the man lay with the bear about to strike him dead. At once the bear lowered his paw and bowed his head. The man smiled. The bear spoke. "Dear lord, for what I am about to eat, make me truly thankful. amen". Back to top
Adam goes for cheap option - from Barry Hillier
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?" Back to top
The Preacher Man - from Barry Hillier
Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon."How do you know what to say?" she asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" Back to top